Biblical Humor

Biblical Humor

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.


 

Q. Was the trouble in paradise with the apple on the tree or the "pear" on the ground?

A. The pair

 

Q. What is the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?

A. one was made of wood and the other maid of Orleans.

 

-----------------------
My two sons Sam (7) and Sean (3) were trying to memorize Psalms 104 and recite it to me. Sam said "Be thankful unto him and bless his name, Psalms 100 verse 4." It was now Sean's turn. He said "Be thankful unto him and bless his name, Seans 100 verse 4." Romona Brijmohan


 

Bible Trivia

What did Noah name his daughter ? Joan of Arc.

submitted by Max Bygrave
Where is Tennis mentioned in the Bible?
Psalm 66:11: "Thou broughtest us into the net" (KJV)

submitted by c.b. stewartson, 3/09

The Ten Commandments Tennessee Style:

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

 

Sports mentioned in the bible

Tennis: because moses served in pharaohs court

Basket ball: because paul denied jesus three times while in the court

LOT 'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

What is the most popular vegetable in the Bible?

Lettuce……Let us give thanks, Let us praise the Lord, Let us humble ourselves...

PAUL 

Biblical Codes

A pastor decides to visit some of his flock on a Saturday afternoon. He knocks at a door. Her thinks he hears someone inside but no one comes to the door. The pastor takes out a business card and writes on it Rev 3:20 which says, "I stand at the door and knock if you but open the door I will come in and eat with you and you with me."

On Sunday his card appears in the collection plate on it is written Gen 3:10 that says, " I heard your voice from the garden but I was afraid I was naked and I hid myself."

Leroy Schwab, Pacific Grove

More Bible Trivia

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda--because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Where in the bible do we find the Lord doing house cleaning?

"Jesus swept"

How do you know that Jesus is Irish?

From his last name --- Jesus O' Nazareth.

What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? Flood lights.
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christ-ler.

Where did Bathsheba get her name? King David saw her when she was taking a bath.

When the ark came to rest on Mt. Ararat the occupants were more than ready to leave. Noah made one last sweep and found a despondent snake in the hold.--"Why are you sad and why haven't you left?" asked Noah.--"Because I'm so inadequate" replied the snake.--"Inadequate?" queried Noah.--"Yes" continued the snake, "The Lord commanded that we go forth and MULTIPLY and I'm an ADDER." (by David Palmer)

Did you know baseball is mentioned in the Bible? Genesis "In the big inning"

One-liners:

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for
duty.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory
position.
Coincidences happen when God chooses to remain anonymous.
If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.

When God Sends People...They Make Excuses:

Abraham was too old.
Moses stuttered.
Miriam was a gossip.
Jacob was a liar.
Gideon doubted.
Elijah was burned out.
First David's armor didn't fit, then he had an affair, and had
someone killed.
Solomon was too rich.
Isaiah had unclean lips.
Jeremiah was too young.
Jonah didn't like the job.
Amos's only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning.
Naomi was a widow.
Peter was afraid of death.
Thomas was from Missouri (the "show-me" state)
Paul was a murderer.
Mark was rejected by Paul.
Timothy had ulcers.
Lazarus was dead.
Martha was a worry-wart.

...or so they claimed, before God's Spirit empowered them to rise to the occasion and become some of the greatest heroes of our faith.

 

What US state is mentioned in the bible?
Answer: Arkansaw. "Noah looked out of the ark and saw..."

Old Baseball Bible Song (my grandmother taught me):

Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
St. Peter umpired (empired) the game,
Rebecca went to the well with the pitcher,
Ruth in the field won fame.

Goliath was struck out by David,
And a base hit made on Abel by Cain,
The prodigal son made one home run,
Brother Noah gave out checks for the rain.

Indiana Jane


 

Who had constipation?

 

1) Moses took the two tablets and went behind the bush

2) Cain an' Able

3) Balaam couldn't move his ass

4) David sat 40 years on the throne

5) Paul wrote to Titus

-------------

Where did Bathsheba get her name?

King David saw her when she was taking a bath.

--------------

When the ark came to rest on Mt. Ararat the occupants were more than ready to leave. Noah made one last sweep and found a despondent snake in the hold.--"Why are you sad and why haven't you left?" asked Noah.--"Because I'm so inadequate" replied the snake.--"Inadequate?" queried Noah.--"Yes" continued the snake, "The Lord commanded that we go forth and MULTIPLY and I'm an ADDER."

=========

Did you know baseball is mentioned in the Bible? 

Genesis  "In the big inning"

--------

When God Sends People...They Make Excuses:

Abraham was too old.
Moses stuttered.
Miriam was a gossip.
Jacob was a liar.
Gideon doubted.
Elijah was burned out.
First David's armor didn't fit, then he had an affair, and had
someone killed.
Solomon was too rich.
Isaiah had unclean lips.
Jeremiah was too young.
Jonah didn't like the job.
Amos's only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning.
Naomi was a widow.
Peter was afraid of death.
Thomas was from Missouri (the "show-me" state)
Paul was a murderer.
Mark was rejected by Paul.
Timothy had ulcers.
Lazarus was dead.
Martha was a worry-wart.

...or so they claimed, before God's Spirit empowered them to rise to the occasion and become some of the greatest heroes of our faith.


 

===========

What US state is mentioned in the bible?
Answer:  Arkansaw. 

"Noah looked out of the ark and saw..."

----------------------

 

Old Baseball Bible Song (my grandmother taught me):
Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
St. Peter umpired (empired) the game,
Rebecca went to the well with the pitcher,
Ruth in the field won fame.

Goliath was struck out by David,
And a base hit made on Abel by Cain,
The prodigal son made one home run,
Brother Noah gave out checks for the rain.
Indiana Jane

------------------

How many animals did Moses take on the Ark

None.  Moses didn't go on the ark, Naoh did.