Miscellaneous Humor

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On a nice sunny afternoon a preacher was walking down a dirt road when he came upon a man working in a field full of large fruits and vegies and yells to the man GREAT GARDEN!! the man wipes his face with a rag and walks over to great the preacher "Thanks a lot said the man" The preacher says yes the LORD sure did great work here . The farmer steps back and said Preacher when the lord had this field it was full of stones and sticker bushes!
A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.
Inside the dinosaur museum the young teenage tour guide was taking the tour group through the museum explaining each display.  He described one dinosaur display as being 2 million years and 6 months old. 
One of the older men in the tour group indicated to the tour guide that it was quite fascinating that he knew very precisely how old the fossil display was.  The older man asked the tour guide, “How did you determine the precise age of this fossil display?” 
The tour guide answered, “Quite simple, when I started work here 6 months ago the fossil was 2 million years old.”    John Kokenzie

A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."

Why did the chicken commit suicide?  To get to the other side.

The pastor of a local church met a parishioner while walking along the street.  He stopped the man and asked why he did not attended church regularly.  The man replied that the sermons were okay, but he said, "Every time I go to church you sing the same songs!"  The pastor, who was quite proud of the diversity in the church's music, asked the man which songs was he referring to.  Then the man said, " Silent Night and O Little Town of Bethlehem."   Edward Guldner
What Would Jesus Drive?

Environmentalist Christians recently looked with dismay at the fuel efficiency of American cars and asked "What would Jesus drive?"

Maybe this hand-made sign observed on the back of an Amish horse and buggy in Pennsylvania has an answer: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

God was finished

A young pastor went to visit a farmer who never came to Sunday services. After encouraging the farmer to attend, the pastor said, "You know, sir, even God rested on the seventh day." "Sure", the old farmer answered, "HE was finished!"


A chaplain was preaching to a congregation on a Royal navy ship, just after they had spliced the main brace(had their daily tot of rum).  He chose to speak on the dangers of drinking alcohol. To prove his point he did a little demonstration. He had two glasses in the pulpit one with water and one with Overproofed rum from the spirit room of the ship. He proceeded to drop a worm in the glass of water and it swam around and he dropped a worm in the glass with the rum and the worm died instantly. He then asked what was the moral of the demonstration, and a sailor in the front row obviously in an advanced state of inebriation said "if you are troubled with worms,drink rum"


An Irish wife went to see her parish priest for some counseling because of her husband's drinking. "Father," she said, "he comes home every night drunk.   What will I do?"
Father said, "tonight put a sheet over your head and hide in the closet. When your husband comes home, jump out of the closet and say: 'the devil from hell is here!' and he will never drink again."
The woman did what Father suggested and waited for her husband in the closet. True to form the husband wandered home and into the house as drunk as a skunk. His wife jumped out of the closet as soon as he entered the house and yelled "the devil from hell is here!"
The husband was quite startled. "Thank God!" said he said, "I thought it was the wife out of her bed."

From Fr. Ted's tapes. Toronto Canada


A young boy wished his teenage sister the sign of peace at Mass one Sunday. What did you say she said to him and listened carefully to his reply. Busy, Busy, Boo he said. She was shocked when she heard his answer. It is not Busy, Busy, Boo she said. It is "Peace be with you".


The Definition of a modern day Christian:
One who goes to church on Sunday to ask for forgiveness for what he did on Saturday and what he will do on Monday!


A young pastor went to visit a farmer who never came to Sunday services. After encouraging the farmer to attend, the pastor said, "You know, sir, even God rested on the seventh day." "Sure", the old farmer answered, "HE was finished!"


An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.........and that is how it all began.


A man had been down on his luck, strapped financially. One day, he received $200 anonymously in the mail. He decided to tithe this blessing. He was looking outside his window from the second floor and below stood this disrumpled, down-and-out looking fellow by the pay phone. Here was an opportunity to put his tithe to direct use. So, he puts $20 in an envelope and writes on the outside of it "Don't despair," and drops it out the window. The fellow looks up a little puzzled, but takes it and goes into the phone booth. The next day, there was a knock on the door, and there he stands, handing him several hundred dollar bills. "What's this?," the first fellow says. The disrumpled-looking fellow answers, "It's your share. 'Don't Despair' paid 50 to 1!" ...Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.


This fellow always stopped at the pretzel stand that stood just outside his workplace, placed $2.00 on the counter, but didn't take a pretzel. One day, the stand operator said, "I've got something I'd like to say to you." "Oh, I know," the fellow says," you want to know why I lay down $2.00 every day and don't take a pretzel, don't you?" "No," said the vendor, "I just wanted to tell you they've gone up to $2.50." ...Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.


Take whatever humor you may out of these s, but please keep in mind, and I am not kidding, they were originally written by a nun in a convent. And yes, the convent has email!
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was a drink.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine at every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion.
AND, FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33.  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was God.


I was driving down a highway when suddenly I came upon a church that had a sign out front that read: "Have trouble sleeping? Come hear one of our sermons!"


There was a family that was very interested in buying a family pet. They decided that it would have to be a Christian pet. So they go to the Christian pet store and begin looking at different animals. They ask to see one dog in particular. The store employee brings it out and says, "this dog does numerous tricks, go fetch.." the dog runs away and brings back a bible. "Look up John 3:16..." the dog flips through the bible and finds the verse. The family was very impressed so they took the dog home. That night the neighbors came over to see the new pet. The father of the family says, "our new dog is incredible. He does lots of tricks...go fetch.." and the dog returns with a bible. "Look up John 3:16.." and the dog finds the verse. The family stands proudly behind the dog as the neighbor asks, "that's great but does he do any normal tricks?" The father nervously looks at his wife and says, "sure! uh...heel..." The dog jumps on his lap, puts his paw on the man's forehead and starts praying.


A man fell off a cliff and was hanging precariously from a tree branch. He cried out "God, please help me!" God answered, "Have faith and I will protect you. Let go of the branch." The man, stunned, cried out, "Is there anyone else up there?"


A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."


One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that Man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. >We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just retire?" >God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this, let's have a Man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." >The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"


A boy wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. He was cast as the landlord and objected loudly, but to no avail. When the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked him if he had a room for them. The boy smiled and said, "Yes, sure. Lots of room. Come on in!"


One day a boy came home from school who had just gotten his learners permit. He said to his dad, who was a minister, "Dad, I'd like to discuss the use of the car." > > His father said, "Well son, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible, and get a haircut, and then we will discuss the use of the car. > > The boy said, "Okay." > > A month later the boy came back and siad to his father, "Dad, I'd like to discuss the use of the car." > > His father said, "Well son, I'm really proud of you. You've brought your grades up. You've studied your bible diligently. But you haven't gotten a haircut. > > The boy paused a moment. And then said, "Well Dad, I've been thinking about that. Sampson had long hair, Noah had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." > > And his father said, "Yea, and they WALKED every where they went!" By: Bailey of Kingsport


If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. > > If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did He make them out of meat?


Do you know why anteaters never get sick? ........
They are full of little ant-i-bodies


Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to get to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


The drought in Georgia has affected our different faith communities in different ways. The Baptists have taken up sprinkling, the Methodists are using damp cloths to baptise and the Presbyterians are giving out rainchecks. [MS in GA]
Original quote by Pastor Dan Schaefer, Puyallup Wa.: The problem with most Christians is they want "microwave" answers to "crock pot" prayers.


A burglar had forced entry into a residence when he heard a voice saying "Jesus is watching you."  He looked toward the sound of the voice and noticed a parrot roosting in its cage.  At this time the parrot said, "Hello, my name is Elvis."  The burglar rhetorically asked, "What kind of an idiot would name a parrot Elvis?"  To his surprise, the owner of the home replied from the darkness of the room, " The same idiot who named this Rottweiller Jesus."   The last sound the burglar heard was, "Grrrrrr." 


Today's market activity:
Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. And, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Invest wisely!


why did the chicken cross the road he saw that the side he was on said...$1.00 for breast,thighs,and legs!!!By:Bryan of Cal City


One day an elderly couple walk into Micki D's and Order one sandwhich, a large fry, one drink and an extra cup.
They found a table and sat down. The husband cut the sandwhich in half and gave part for himself and the other half to his wife. Next he divided the fries evenly, one for her one for him. Then divided the drink.
A man watched as they divided their food. The man watched as the woman started eating and the man just sat watching. So the young man asked if they needed money to buy more food, The old man replied" No thanks , We share everything 50/50; it's her turn with the teeth".


Two old buddies were reflecting on life and started talking about baseball.Finally they were discussing whether or not baseball was played in heaven.After awhile they came to an agreement.Whoever died first would come back and tell the other if they played baseball in heaven.Eventually one of the men died.About two weeks later as the other fellow was in bed for the night, his friend came to see him.He asked him,"Hey old buddy is there baseball in heaven?" He answered,"I've got good news and bad news.The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow."


A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," he replied. "In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law".


What is St. John's Wort?
It's an anti-depressant found in a Christian bookstore.
During a recent drought, I called a friend and asked how dry is it there? He replied, "It is so dry, my catfish have wood-ticks."

Shocked, I called a friend who was experiencing rain, rain, and more rain. I asked, "How much rain did you have anyway?" She replied, "I am not sure, but the white perch ate my tomatoe plants."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?"  replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's."
Student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
A woman wearing an enourmous flowery hat was stopped at the door of the church by one of the ushers. "Are you a friend of the groom?" he asked, "Of course not!" snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."
Two curates were talking, one said "How do you get on with the young women in your parish?"
The other replied, "I seek safety in numbers. How about you?"
The first curate replied, "I take refuge in exodus".
SAW ON THE BACK OF AUTOMOBILE:  I started years ago with nothing - I still have most of it left
Groceries from the devil

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He
thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like
that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and
redicule her. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was
praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what
He was gonna do.  

AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph
. . .I'll  fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole
bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the
front porch,rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she
began to praise the  Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and
shoutin' everywhere!

The atheist jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy
lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and
praising the Lord. When the atheist finally caught her, he asked what
her problem was . . .

She said, "I  knew the Lord would provide me with some
groceries but I didn't know he made the devil pay for them!"
A little boy was fidgeting during worship one Sunday morning.  Spotting a big brass plaque with dozens of names engraved on it ensconced in the back wall, the little boy asked his father, "What are all those names on that plaque?"
The father helpfully answered, "Those are the names of all the members of our church who died in the service."
Wide eyed, the little boy then asked, "Was that the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component or heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, 'Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment.

Some other symptoms are:
(a) Loss of direction
(b) Foul vocal emissions
(c) Amnesia of origin
(d) Lack of peace and joy
(e) Selfish, or violent, behavior
(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component

The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to correct this SIN defect, at numerous locations throughout the world. The number to call for the recall station in your area is:

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on J-E-S-U-S for prompt assistance at any location worldwide.
A lesson on GREED:
A young, very successful, career oriented man was driving his prized possession, (his $100,000 Porsche Automobile) one night when he had a terrible accident.  He flipped the car several times.  When the police arrived, he was walking around in a daze saying:  "Oh no, not my Porsche, not my Porsche".  The Police officer took one look at him and said: "Sir, we've got to get you to the hospital, you're bleeding terribly".  It was as if the young man didn't hear him, he just kept repeating:  "Oh no, not my Porsche".  Finally, the Police officer walked around him to check out all of his injuries.  He frantically cried out to the young man:  "we've got to get you to a hospital, your left arm has been cut-off in the accident", to which the young man replied:  "oh no, not my Rolex too!"
We have all learned to live with voice mail as a
necessary part of modern life.  But have you ever
wondered, "what if God decided to install voice
mail?"  Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping
other sinners right now.  However, your prayer
is important to us and will be answered in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses
as you call God in prayer? If you would like to
speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
Michael, Press 2
For a directory of other Angels, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a
psalm while you hold, please Press 4
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security
number, then press the pound key. (If you get a
negative response, try area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please
enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth, and where Noah's Ark is,
please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once
today.  Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

How about:
This office is closed for the weekend please
call during normal business hours,
We are closed to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again tomorrow after 9:30 AM.  If you
need emergency assistance when this office is
closed, please contact your local pastor.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A woman went up to a highly respected clergyman and asked him,"How would you cope with a serious drink problem?"
He replied, "With a corkscrew, madam."
One day God was looking down on the earth and saw all the evil that
was going on. He decided to sent an angel to earth to check it out
first hand. He called on his very best female angel and sent her to
earth for a short while. When she returned, she told God, yes
indeed, it is truly bad on earth. 95% of the people are bad and only
5% are good.  God thought for a moment and decided he better send a
male angel down to get both points of view. So, he called upon his
best male angel and sent him to earth.  When the male angel returned
he went straight to God and told him that the female angel had been
correct. Indeed, 95% of the people on earth were bad and only 5%
were good.  Again God stopped to think,this was not a good thing at
all.  Finally God decided to send an E-mail to the 5% of the people
that were good to encourage them to continue on the right path.
Something to keep them going  even though the odds are against them.

Do you know what that E-mail said?
So, you didn't get one either?
Pray for the dyslexic devil-worshipper.  He sold his soul to Santa!
What's the difference between a muscian and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist!

You think it's hot here? - God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. - God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. - God

What part of "thou Shalt Not..."didn't you understand? - God

Have you read my #1 best seller? (There will be a test) - God

Do you have any idea where you're going? - God

Let's meet at My house Sunday before the game. - God

That "love thy neighbor" thing, I meant it. - God

My way is the highway. - God
Don't make me come down there. - God
I don't question your existence. - God
Two men were marooned on an Island.  One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.  The first man said to the second man, "arn't you afraid we are about to die."  "No," said the second man, "for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week.  My Pastor will find me."
Pete and Sally had been married for 59 years, not always happily - by the way. Pete had recently been hospitalisedwith a sever illness. The doctor has told Pete and Sally to go home as there is no hope for Pete. It is a matter of hours, and Pete might as well die at home.
     Sally takes Pete home, tucks him in bed, and pats his head as she carries on with her tasks.
     Pete lays in bed pondering his remaining hours when an aroma comes wafting up the stairs. Pete cries, "Sally, what's that smell?" He struggles out of bed when she does not answer the call, and he crawls to the door. Once again he cries out, "Honey, what's that smell? It smells so good." Again there is no answer, so Pete musters all his remaining strength and crawls down the stairs to the kitchen. He rises up as high as his strength will allow and there on the couter, the table, on everywhere, are giant cholocate chip cookies cooling. She does really love me after all, he thinks. She has made my favorite cookie for me befor I die.
     With all his remaing strength he pulls himself up on his feet and staggers to the closest cookie. He is just about to take a big bite of the warm and moist treat when a rolling pin nails him of the head and Sally says, "Don't you take one bite of even one of those cookies. Those cookies are for the funeral."
A wise man once said ministers are like manure.

They work best when they are in the field, but they stink when they are clumped together.
Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road? 

A:  Just to prove to raccoons that it CAN be done.
This story might be apocryphal. One day an elderly Kansas farmer from a small community was referred to one of the big Kansas City hospitals. Asked about his religion, he answered, "I'm an Episcopalian." The local parish priest came to visit him.
"I see you are an Episcopalian."
"Yessir. Have been all my life."
"Which parish do you belong to?"
"Well, sir, I don't think I belonged to a parish."
"Which bishop confirmed you?"
"Well, now, sir, I don't rightly think I ever saw a bishop."
"But you listed yourself as an Episcopalian."
"Well, once when I was a young man, I went into a church, and all the people in that church were saying all together, 'We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; and we have done those things which we ought not to have done'. And ever since then, I knew I was an Episcopalian."
This came to me from a friend - no idea from whence it originated:
Poem on "Y2K" (Based on Psalm 139)
"Year To Kneel" "Yield To the King"
O Lord, You have searched me, and known me. You know when I sit down at my PC, and when I step away. You understand my modem, and the whole e-mail thing.
You know the way I let the Internet waste my time, but too, how it has let me keep in contact with family and friends around the globe. Even before I've touched the keyboard, You know what I'll write.
It is hard for me to comprehend that You're standing at my shoulder every time I sign on AOL. You are awesome, Lord, and the Y2K uncertainties can't disturb You, like they do me and lots of people around me.
Where can I go that Your Spirit isn't with me? Or could I get away from Your love and protection, if I was running in fear come Jan. 1, 2000?
If my electricity shuts down, You are there. If I have to sleep under two down-comforters to keep warm when my gas furnace fails to operate, You are there. If the city can't keep the water pumping, or my ATM is "out of service," You'll take care of me.
If, on Dec. 31, 1999, I cry, "surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night," even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike, to You.
You made me Lord, and You love me. Your works have no glitches, no shutdowns, no power failures. My days, with or without computers, were planned by You before I was even born!
You, Lord, are without limits, always knowing, and seeing, and doing. Faith in technology is a sin, and I pray for Your forgiveness for the times I've trusted it with my comfort, happiness and cash. Help me to be faithful to You, and not panic when I hear of shortages, outages and chaos.
Help me to be prepared to help others, physically and spiritually. Let me be an enemy of fear-mongers, and help me to show those who are truly afraid of the future how to put their trust in You, Lord, the Almighty One.
Keep Your eye on me, O God, and touch my heart. Give me Your peace, and make me share it with others. Keep my eyes on You, now and forever.
HW in HI
Two honey bees were talking. One complained that he could hardly ever find any nectar anymore, and was always starving to death. The other bee told him about the Jewish Bar Mitzva that was just down the street ..."Plenty of fresh flowers, sweet wine, all you can take", so the first bee made a bee-line for the party. Upon returning a few hours latee, he again encountered tohe second bee, who asked him what that black spot was on his head. Oh, said the first, thats a Yarmaluke ... I didn't want them to think I was a WASP!
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? Someone who knocks on doors for no reason!
A pastor's wife brings a lot of religion to the family. Every meal that she prepares for the nourishment of the body is either a "sacrifice of a sweet smelling savor" or "a burnt offering".
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed.
But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."
And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord, "I am too late, the government already has."
sumited by Back to Basics
Little Timmy couldn't wait to get home from church and play with his new puppy. When he got home he changed out of his nice clothes and ate lunch all the time thinking about his puppy. When he had finished washing the dishes he ran out side to play. Before long Timmiy's mother heard him shouting, "AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!" His mother couldn't help but look to see what he was doing. When she got out side she saw him pointing at the dog and shouting "AMEN!" "What are you doing?" asked his mother. "Teaching the puppy a trick," said Timmy. "What trick are you teaching him?" "I'm teaching him to sit," said Timmy. "Why are you saying AMEN," asked his mother. "Well," timmy thought, "it always works fot the preacher, he says AMEN and everybody sits down."
This is a good illustration about falling ineo "churchly" habbits.
-sumited by Colonel Dave-
Two men were hikeing in the mountians. It wasn't long until they came across a bear. The bear stood on it's hind legs and let out a bone chilling roar. Ever so slowly the first man reachen into his back-pack, pulled out a pair of sneakers, took off his hikeing boots and started to lace up the sneakers. "Are you crazy?" the second man said to the first, "you can't possibly think that you can out run that bear!" "I don't have to out run the bear," said the first man, "all I gota do is out run you!"
Did you know that the three wise men were firemen? The bible says they came from a fire. (Far)
Why did the tomato cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot
Q: What did the picture say when he went to jail? A: "I was framed."
An arrogant astronomer approached a minister at a party. "Pastor, "the astronomer smugly asked, "wouldn't you agree that all of Christian theology could be summed up in this simple song, 'Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so'?" "Yes," the pastor replied, "if you would agree that all of astronomy can be summed up in this song, 'Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!'"
What did the photographer say at the Last Supper? Anyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.
How did the disciples get to the upper room? They all rode over in a Honda. Scripture says "They were all in one Accord.
What Happened To The little Boy that ran through The screen Door? He Strained Himself!
John, an avid golfer, came in from the course one Saturday. His wife, Mary asked him with whom he had played that day. He said,"oh, no one in particular." She asked," Why don't you play with Bill anymore?" John replied," Would you like to play golf with someone who throws his clubs, swears all the time, lies about his scores, moves his ball in the rough, and won't stop talking while you'r trying to play a shot?" " Of course not!" said Mary. John said," Well, neither does Bill."
A man went to the pet store to buy a canary. The store owner sold him one promising him that it would sing gloriously. I man took the bird home and sure enough it sang gloriously. However, at that moment, the man noticed that the canary had only one leg. Furious, he took the bird back to the store and yelled at the owner, "This canry you sold me has only one leg!" The store owner said, What do you want? A bird that can sing or one that can dance?"
The difference between God and a lawyer? God knows He is not a lawyer.
Seen in a church newsletter: This publication tries to include something for everyone, therefore if you find a mistake be assured we intentionally published it. It is put there for all the folks that are always looking for a mistake.
My friend David was greeting people at the rear of the sanctuary one Sunday. A kindly older woman approached him with a big smile on her face, trying to be helpful and said,
"Oh Pastor, every sermon is better than the next."
Hermeneutics in Everyday life!
Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?
That depends on how you exegete (interpret) the stop sign. 1. A post modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because he sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road.
3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop the car if the car in front of him does.
5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
6. A seminary educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2)a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: Rabbi Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."
8. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, He would never have wanted to stifle peoples progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
9. A NT (New Testament) scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen called "Q" street. There is an excellent 300 page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs, and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't explain the meaning of the text!
10. An OT (Old Testament) scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author on the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P.
11. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back.(Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there.
12. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP."
13. A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world-north, south, east, and west) equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.
not original -- source unknown HW in HI
Once upon a time there were two preachers who loathed one another. One day one of them said to the other, "I bet you couldn't preach extempore on any subject I gave you." "I bet you I could," said the other. "OK," said the first, "I'll leave a card in the pulpit on Sunday. Whatever is on that card, you've got to preach on it." "No problem," said the other one, "and I tell you what - I'll find an appropriate text as well. So there!" Well, Sunday came, and the first preacher thought to himself, "I'll fix that so-and-so. He'll never be able to preach on this." And on the card he wrote one word - CONSTIPATION - and he put the card in the pulpit. At the proper time in theservice, the second preacher went up into the pulpit, turned over the card, and thought for a moment. Then he said, "My text today is from the Book of Exodus - 'And Moses took the tablets, and went down the mountain....'"
There once was a minister preaching at a church as a guest. There was something wrong with his microphone. So he said to the congregation "Something is wrong with this microphone." The congregation responded with an "and also with you."
Did you know God is a baseball fan? "In the Big-inning..."
Question: Where in the Bible is the first mention of medicine ? Answer: When God gave Moses two tablets !
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who had insomnia? He laid awake nights wondering if there is a Dog.
Two Prophets meet. "U R doing fine, how about me?"
Just when you thought kids were not appreciating the concept of prayer--this /story: A six year old began to be disruptive in worship. His father leaned over to ask him to be quiet, but the youngster persisted in making noise. Another warning from the father, but again, the child continued to make noise. This time the father reached that invisible line and took the young child in his arms, made his way across the pew all the while the youngster yelling: "Pray for me!" "Pray for me!"
what would happen if the three wise men were three wise women? They would have asked for directions; got there in time to deliver the baby; made a cassarole; and borught disposable diapers as the gift
This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite >>> four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was >>3 >>> years old (her first mistake). >>> >>> One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was >>> ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was >>> keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not >>> wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were >>> for special occasions. >>> >>> Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are >>> leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had >>assignments >>> for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. >>> >>> When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into >>> laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came >>my >>> father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of >>> embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a >"special >>> occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. >>I >>> had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My >>> mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the >>other >>> adults into further fits of laughter. >>> >>> "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!
In England chaplains are sometimes seen as not being 'real' ministers. Here is a funny story in which chaplains get their own back: A parish minister went to visit Bob,an elderly member of his congregation, receiving a warm welcome and invited to sit down while the elderly man made them a cup of tea. As he was waiting, the minister spied a bowl of tempting looking peanuts on the table and he thought to himself, 'I'm sure Bob won't mind if I take one or two. One or two became three or four, until the dish was empty. At that point, Bob came in with the tea and the minister said, @Bob, i hope you won't mind, but I've eaten those delicious peanuts.' 'O that's ok,' said Bob, 'since i've had my teeth out, I can only suck the chocolate off them anyway!'
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Scripture verse hanging in church nursery: 1 Corinthians 15:51 ". . .we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed."
There was a man praying and begain to request things that would help him be a better worker,father,husband and Church member. During his request he asked God to qive him patience;NOW! Lord thy will be done?
Knock knock who's there? Israel Israel who? Is rael nice to see you here!
GRITS: God Reigns In The South!!!
Give your troubles to God: He will be up all night anyway.
How are Arnold Swartzenegger and Jesus alike? They both said, "I'll be back!"
January 4, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Automated Payroll Processing
A doctor, an architect, and a lawyer were arguing over who had the oldest profession. The doctor said, "Well the first operation was performed on Adam, so the medical profession is the oldest."
"No," said the architect, "Architechual planning and design was needed to create the earth and the universe out of chaos, so I represent the oldest profession."
"Where do you think the chaos came from?" asked the lawyer.
Three men, one mechanic, one technician and one computer expert were driving in a car along a lonely road at night. Suddenly the car mysteriously stopped and didn't start when the key was turned. The men tried to agree how to solve the situation. The mechanic claimed that it must be a mechanical problem, but the technician was certain that it had to do with some technical disorders. They argued for a while, until the computer expert exclaimed: "All right! Let's do it like this: We all get out of the car and close the doors. Then we open the doors, get back in and try again!"
A man buys a parrot from the pet store. The man's enthusiasm for the bird disappears as the bird begins swearing the foulest profanity the man ever heard. He tries talking to the bird in a soothing tone but the parrot's profanity only gets worse. Finally in a fit of desperation he thrusts the bird into the freezer. The parrot's squawking immediately stops. The man quickly opens the freezer, the parrot walks out and politely asks, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the turkey do?" LMC
People who say they sleep like a baby, generally don't have any.
One of the advantages of living a temperate life is that you can distinguish the flu from a hangover.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".
A devout Christian was met by an angry bear while walking in the woods one day. In desperation and faith he knelt and prayed, "Lord, please make this a christian bear "! In amazment he opened his eyes to see the bear praying also, "LORD, PLEASE BLESS THIS FOOD I'M ABOUT TO EAT"!
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his costomers more than he has been since he became a barber. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said "Today I am Going to witness to the first man that wants to get a shave". So when he opened shop the first man came in and said "I want a shave" so the barber said "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment". The barber went in the back and prayed a little prayer like this"God, the first costomer came in and i'm gping to witness to him. So gine me the wisdom so I know what to say and the right things to say amen." So when the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand he said "Good morning sir. I have a qustion for you...Are you ready to die???
I read about a woman who telephoned a friend and asked how she was feeling, "Terrible," came the reply,"my head's splitting and my back and legs are killing me. The house is a mess, and the kids are simply driving me crazy." Very sympathetically the caller said, "Listen, go and lie down, I'll come over right away and cook lunch for you, clean up the house, and take care of the children while you get some rest. By the way, how is Sam?" "Sam?" the complaining housewife asked. "My husband isn't named Sam." "My heavens," exclaimed the first woman,"I must have dialed the wrong number." There was a long pause. "Does this mean that you're not coming over?"
Mathematics A young lad was doing well in school, doing very well in every subject but Maths. He continued to have problems in the subject in spite of help, positive reinforcement and tutors. In the end it was decided to move him to a Catholic private school. The change was remarkable. Every night with barely a word he went to his room and studied till sent to bed. At the end of the semester he had an A+ but continued to study. His parents asked him if he knew what had made the difference. Was it the curriculum, or the teachers, or maybe his peers. “Oh No” he said. “I knew they meant business from the first day and I saw that fellow nailed to the plus sign!!”
A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."
People in Louisiana know that Cajuns live longer. A Cajun went to the Doctor for a check up. The doctor came with the results and said, "You are in excellent shape for 55 year old man." "Did I say I was 55?" said the Cajun. "You mean you're not 55?' said the doctor. "No. I am 75," said the Cajun. "Good heavens. You are in remarkable shape. You must have incredible genes. Let me ask you this. How old was your father when he died?" "Did I say my father was dead?" said the Cajun. "You don't mean he is alive?" said the doctor. "He sure is. He is 98 and still dancing." said the Cajun. "Well let me ask you this, said the doctor. "How old was your grandfather when he died?" "Did I say my grandfather was dead?" "You don't mean he's alive, too? "Why he sure is. In fact, he is 127 and getting married tomorrow." "Getting married! Why in the world would a 127 year old man want to get married?" "Did I say he wanted to get married."

 A faithful priest noticed that on nice Sunday mornings a certain group of parishoners were absent. He later learned that they were playing golf on such wonderful mornings. Now the Priest, a golf enthusiast himself, was disappointed to miss out each time. > One day he decided to call in sick and play a round of golf himself. He carefully chose a course far away such that he would not be recognized. It was a glorious day and he set out to play. St Peter noticed this bit of hooky and immediately set out to inform God. God said that he knew of this and had it under control. > Meanwhile, the Priest teed up on the first hole and knocked in a hole-in-one. > St Peter gasp and said "Lord, I thought you had this under control?" > "I do," said God. > The Priest started the second hole and again hit a hole-in-one. > St Peter was beside himself "Lord, what are you doing? He is having the game of his life! I thought you said you had this under control!" > "I do," said the Lord. "Who's he gonna tell?"