Biblical Humor

Biblical Humor

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A. Ruthless Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.   Q. Was the trouble in paradise with the apple on the tree or the "pear" on the ground? A. The pair   Q. What is the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc? A. one was made of wood and the other maid of Orleans.

Generosity Pays Off

Would you please occupy my room for the night?

One stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. Trying to get out of the rain, the couple approached the front desk hoping to get some shelter for the night. "Could you possibly give us a room here?" the husband asked. The clerk, a friendly man with a winning smile, looked at the couple and explained that there were three conventions in town. "All of our rooms are taken," the clerk said. "But I can't send a nice couple like you out into the rain at one o'clock in the morning. Would you perhaps be willing to sleep in my room? It's not exactly a suite, but it will be good enough to make you folks comfortable for the night." When the couple declined, the young man pressed on. "Don't worry about me; I'll make out just fine," the clerk told them. So the couple agreed. As he paid his bill the next morning, the elderly man said to the clerk, "You are the kind of manager who should be the boss of the best hotel in the United States. Maybe someday I will build one for you." The clerk looked at them and smiled. The three of them had a good laugh. As they drove away, the elderly couple agreed that the helpful clerk was indeed exceptional, as finding people who are both friendly and helpful isn't easy. Two years passed. The clerk had almost forgotten the incident when he received a letter. It was from the old man, who recalled in it that stormy night and enclosed a round-trip ticket to New York so the young man could pay them a visit. The old man met him in New York. He then pointed to a great new building there, a palace of reddish stone, with turrets and watchtowers thrusting up to the sky. "That," said the older man, "is the hotel I have just built for you to manage.” “You must be joking," the young man said. "I can assure you I am not," said the older man, a sly smile playing around his mouth. The older man's name was William Waldorf Astor, and the magnificent structure was the original Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, one of the world's most glamorous hotels. The young clerk who became its first manager was George C. Boldt. Here is a striking proof of what Jesus tells us in today’s gospel, “If a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies it produces much fruit.” Young George Boldt buried his own comfort and convenience by giving up his room. His sacrifice sprouted and brought forth the reward of becoming the manager of the most outstanding hotels in the world.

Abraham Lincoln and Failures

Abraham Lincoln

A man who was acquainted with failure.

It dogged him all his life.

In 1832 he was defeated for the legislature.

In 1833 his business failed.
In 1836 he had a nervous breakdown.
In 1843 he lost the nomination for Congress.
In 1854 he was defeated for the Senate.
In 1856 he lost the nomination for vice president.
Then, in I860, he was elected president.

Lincoln was well prepared for the defeats and setbacks that bruised the nation during the Civil War years. Another man might have collapsed under the ordeal, but not Lincoln. Failure and setback had taught him how to ride out the storms of discouragement. Recall some setback that we weathered well. "God selects his own instruments, and sometimes they are queer ones; for instance, he chose me to steer the ship through a great Crisis."     

-Abraham Lincoln

Erwin M. Soukup has compiled what he terms "The Seven Steps to Stagnation":

1. We've never done it that way before.

2. We're not ready for that.
3. We are doing all right without trying that.
4. We tried it once before.
5. We don't have money for that.
6. That's not our job.
7. Something like that can't work.

Soukup admits that "there's probably an eighth step, but we've never looked it up before."

Innovation and Success

Seven Steps of Stagnation

1. We've never done it that way before.

2. We're not ready for that.

3. We are doing all right without trying that.

4. We tried it once before.

5. We don't have money for that.

6. That's not our job.

7. Something like that can't work.

A Death That Gives Life: True Story

A few years ago, the television and print media carried the story of a seven-year-old boy who died in tragic circumstances while on vacation with his family in Italy. Armed thieves, attempting to take the family’s car and valuables, waited in ambush in the Italian countryside. As the car passed, the thieves sprayed a shower of bullets at the vehicle. Although the family was able to escape, some of the bullets had hit the young boy, while he slept in the back seat. A short time later, the child was pronounced dead at a nearby hospital. People were shocked and outraged as the sad news was reported. But public outrage was soon replaced by wonder and admiration. The boy’s family arranged that all of their son’s vital organs be harvested and donated. As a result, the lives of eight Italians, each of whom received one or more of the child’ healthy organs, were forever changed. For some it meant being able to see again; for others death was postponed because a young vital organ had replaced an aged, defective one. Because organ donation was such a rarity in Italy, the gift of life was all the more remarkable.

This story reminds us of the death of another son, whose dying brought life to so many. If the broken body of the Lord can bring life ours too. In every child birth, a woman’s body is broken and blood poured out in order to bring new life. To become a mother is to celebrate the Eucharist.

When I see a calloused hand, a tear furrowed face …. I know the Eucharist is celebrated.

St. Thomas and Kerala Christians

St. Thomas came to Kerala & said : "Jesus rose from the Dead". Nobody Bothered. He then said "Jesus Turned Water into Wine" Half of Kottayam, Ernakulam and Thrissur Converted to Christianity !!!!

Lenten Calendar Part II

Lenten Calendar Part II

Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
18TH MARCH 4TH SUN OF LENT Has the God revealed in Jesus made His home in you? Jn 3 : 14-21	19TH MARCH PRAY FOR THOSE APPEARING FOR EXAMS ST.JOSEPH, HUSBAND OF MARY Though Joseph could have done the right thing and shamed Mary by publicly divorcing her, he went  beyond the letter of the law and did the loving thing, which was also the right thing. Mt 1:16,18-24	20TH MARCH LET GO OF ANY OLD ENMITY The miracle calls each of us to give up the blindness of our heart and the lameness of our mind and the paralysis of our spirit and to focus on the positive of God’s unconditional healing and love made visible in Jesus        Jn 5 : 1-3, 5-16	21ST MARCH TIME FOR YOUR NEIGHBOUR HELP WITH SHOPPING, PAYING BILLS The now will determine the later, the present will determine the future. Jn 5 : 17 - 30	22ND MARCH THANKSGIVING GIVE THANKS FOR ALL YOUR FRIENDS There is no middle ground and if one is not willing to live the kind of life that Jesus invites us to as His disciples, then one is a non-believer. Jn 5 : 31-47	23RD MARCH FASTING STATIONS OF THE CROSS BE STILL AND LISTEN TO GOD FOR  5-10 MINS The way to be able to find God in all things and all things in God is to be open and receptive and let God be God. Jn 7 : 1-2, 10, 25-30	24TH MARCH VISIT A SICK RELATIVE/ FRIEND Jesus cannot be captured by concepts, words or images. Yet, this does not mean that we cannot know him as intimately as we want to. He reveals himself to each of us according to the level of openness we possess. Jn 7 : 40-52
25TH MARCH 5TH SUN OF LENT LOVE GOD ATTEND MASS WATCH A LENTEN MOVIE Like Jesus, unless we die to our selfish ambitions and our desires to have more, God cannot make all things new. The newness that God brings in Jesus needs our active co-operation and collaboration. It needs us to keep saying “Yes”. Jn 12 : 20-33	26TH MARCH PRAYER DAY PRAY FOR THE HOLY CATHOLIC CHURCH Jesus condemns no one, not even those who condemn. How about you? Jn 8 : 1-11	27TH MARCH FORGIVENESS FORGIVE CO-WORKERS OR GROUP MEMBERS THOSE IN AUTHORITY Even as He is crucified, the very ones who crucify him realize that what they have done is nailed love incarnate to the cross. This love accepts, forgives and continues to love even from the cross. Jn 8 : 21-30	28TH MARCH TIME FOR YOUR NEIGHBOUR HELP WITH HOUSEWORK Freedom is possible only through the Son who alone can make free because he is the Truth. In order to receive this freedom one must be able to recognize the truth of who Jesus is. Jn 8 : 31-42	29TH MARCH THANKSGIVING - GIVE THANKS FOR YOUR PARENTS Our stereotypes and closed minds result in missing out on the revelation God continues to make to us. In our understanding of who God is or how God reveals Himself, it is important to note that with our finite minds, we will never be able to totally fathom the depths of this mystery. Jn 8 : 51-59	30TH MARCH FASTING STATIONS OF THE CROSS BE STILL AND LISTEN TO GOD FOR  5-10 MINS The good works of Jesus are continued when one speaks an enhancing word or performs a loving action. There are visible in selfless service and forgiveness. They are visible when love is made real. Jn 10 : 31-42	31ST MARCH VISIT YOUR GRANDPARENTS, SPEND TIME WITH THEM When we witness evil overpowering good or fear overtaking love, then it seems that we have upset God’s will. However, these “victories’ are only temporary as was the victory of the ones who crucified Jesus. In the final race, it is always God who wins and it is always love that overcomes. Jn 11 : 45-56
1ST  APRIL PALM SUNDAY LOVE GOD ATTEND MASS PREPARE FOR HOLY WEEK Jesus "emptied himself" totally and in so doing, became filled with the Spirit of his Father.  He clung to nothing; he let go of everything. Do we have the courage to do likewise? Mk 14:1-15:47	2ND  APRIL PRAYER DAY PRAY FOR YOUR SPECIAL NEEDS PARISH CONFESSIONS 5PM ONWARDS IN THE SCHOOL SHED We can decide to respond like Mary because we are convinced and have experienced the unconditional love of God ourselves, or we can be like Judas who focus on our own selfish interests and so miss out on the beauty and reality of unconditional love. Jn 12: 1-11	3RD APRIL FORGIVENESS - FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR ANY  WEAKNESS PARISH CONFESSIONS There are times when things do not go the way we plan. We are tempted to throw in the towel like Judas and Peter. However, the challenge is even at times like these to continue to trust and believe that though we may not fully understand why things happen the way they do, God is still in control and will never let anything happen to us that is not for our good and for his glory. Jn 13: 21-33, 36-38	4TH APRIL TIME FOR YOUR NEIGHBOUR HELP WITH EASTER SPRING CLEANING PARISH CONFESSIONS Jesus is fully aware of who it is that will betray him. God is not taken by surprise in the betrayal that leads to crucifixion; it goes according to the divine plan expressed in Scripture. But this does not relieve the burden of human responsibility. God is fully sovereign, humanity is fully responsible. Mt 26: 14-25	5TH  APRIL MAUNDY THURSDAY Celebration of the Lord’s Supper at 7.30 pm Jesus gives a “New Commandment”. He challenges us to love as he loved, expecting nothing in return and till the very end. Jn 13 : 1-15	6TH APRIL GOOD FRIDAY STATIONS OF THE CROSS FASTING/ ABSTINENCE Celebration of the Lord’s Passion at 6pm Greater love no one has than this; to lay down one’s life for one’s friend. Jn 18 : 1- 19, 42	7TH  APRIL HOLY SATURDAY EASTER VIGIL Mk 16:1-7 He is Raised!!! Alleluia!!!
8TH  APRIL EASTER SUNDAY	TRADITIONAL LENTEN DISCIPLINES Fasting and abstinence: Catholics of age 14 and older, abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday, Good Friday and all Fridays of Lent. In addition on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, Catholics from Age 18 to 59 fast, limiting themselves to one full meal and 2 smaller meals, each day. Prayer: Catholics are encouraged to pray more often during Lent, especially with scripture. Lent is an ideal time to receive the sacrament of Reconciliation, in preparation for the celebration of Christ’s passion, death and resurrection. Almsgiving: Moved by the sacrifice of Christ, many Christians combine almsgiving with fasting, giving to the poor the money they saved by eating, drinking or buying less, as they rely more upon God’s abundant grace.